A team’s unwritten rules: how to find them and when to write them down
Echipa HR 365 · reviewed 2026-09-09 · 5 min read
Every team runs on a set of rules nobody wrote down: what time messages get answered, what “urgent” means, who can interrupt whom, what gets discussed in a meeting and what in the corridor. Whoever is new learns them by getting them wrong — and the cost of that learning is usually paid by them.
Why they matter more than the written rules
Because they are the ones that apply. The handbook says work starts at nine; the unwritten rule says nobody notices if you arrive at quarter past, but everybody notices if you leave at five sharp. A new joiner who reads only the handbook will make systematically wrong choices.
The second consequence is subtler: unwritten rules favour those who know them. Someone five years in navigates naturally; someone one month in spends energy guessing. The difference reads, at review time, as “has not integrated”.
Where they appear most often
| Area | The question | Example of an unwritten rule |
|---|---|---|
| Time | When do you reply and when not? | Messages after 7pm are not expected to get an answer |
| Urgency | What is genuinely urgent? | Only client matters are urgent; everything else can wait a day |
| Access | Who can you interrupt? | The manager, any time; the colleague with headphones on, never |
| Decisions | Who actually decides? | It is announced in the meeting, but decided in the conversation beforehand |
| Mistakes | What happens when you get something wrong? | You say so immediately and nobody looks for blame — or exactly the opposite |
| Celebration | What gets marked, and how? | Birthdays, yes; promotions, no |
How you find them, as a manager
Not by asking “what unwritten rules do we have” — nobody can answer, precisely because they are obvious to insiders. You find them indirectly, through someone who has not yet internalised them:
Three sources, in order of quality
- A new joiner, at 4-6 weeks — “What has surprised you so far?” — the window where they still observe and already understand
- Someone from another company — “What is done differently here from where you were?” — comparison surfaces the invisible
- You, taking notes for a week — every time somebody hesitates or asks “is it ok if…”, you have found an unwritten rule
The third source is the most available and the most ignored. “Is it ok if…” is the perfect signal: somebody has identified a rule they do not know and is asking for confirmation. Every such question is worth noting — the second time you hear it, the rule is real.
Which deserve writing down and which do not
| Write it down | Do not write it down |
|---|---|
| A rule a new joiner could break without knowing | Anything that is one person’s personal style |
| A rule that affects somebody else | Preferences that can be found out by asking |
| What would change if a key person left | The jokes and habits that make the culture, not the process |
| What you explain three times a year to a new person | Anything that, written down, would become a prohibition |
The last row is the limit that matters. Many unwritten rules work precisely because they are flexible; written down, they become rigid and start being used as an argument. “We do not reply to messages after 7pm” is a healthy norm; written as a rule, it becomes a problem on the evening when something genuinely is urgent.
Where do I write them, if I decide to?
In the onboarding material, not in the handbook. The difference matters: in onboarding they are information that helps; in a handbook they become obligations that can be invoked.
What do I do about a bad unwritten rule?
You name it explicitly before changing it. A norm that was never stated cannot be changed by an announcement — it has to be made visible first, or nobody admits it existed.
Where to start
Ask your most recent joiner what surprised them in the first weeks. If more than three months have passed, the window has closed — they have internalised everything and nothing looks odd any more.
Then note, for a week, every “is it ok if…”. The resulting list is usually exactly what is missing from the onboarding material.
How an unwritten rule changes
Not by announcement. A norm formed over two years does not disappear because somebody said in a meeting that it no longer applies — especially if the person who said it keeps behaving according to it.
What works, in order
- 1 — You name it explicitly: “I have noticed that evening messages here get an immediate reply”
- 2 — You say what you want instead and why, once, concretely
- 3 — You behave according to the new norm, visibly, including when it is inconvenient
- 4 — You correct it the first time somebody reverts — gently, but immediately
The third step is the only one that truly counts. If the manager says nobody replies in the evening and then replies at 10pm, the real norm stays the old one — and the team has additionally learned that what is announced is not what applies.
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